Mighty Boosh go to rehab
by EeveeHearts
Summary: Yeah, what the title says... They go to rehab for serious help. BAHA


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They make me go to Rehab, and I said no no no… Then they asked if I owned Mighty Boosh and I said no again.

A/N: Basically, the Mighty Boosh crew are all a bit fucked up and have to go to rehab. Their problems, are as follows:

Howard: Paranoia. Schizophrenic

Vince: Just plain retarded

Naboo: druggie

Bollo: Anger problems

Old Gregg: Rapist, murderer

Saboo: Compulsive liar

Hitcher: Murderer

Dennis: Anti social behaviour disorder

Tony Harrison: drunk

Kirk: Has absolutely everything wrong with him, apparently.

Eleanor: gender confused

Spider: sex addict

(Saboo is dragging a struggling Dennis into rehab)

Dennis: (trying to wriggle away) No, I don't want to go! Can't I just stay at home? I'm happy by myself! I don't wanna goooooooo! Nooo!

Saboo: Come on den man, you jerk off. They've got big pink bunnies and hot girls and everything!

(Saboo drags Dennis, who is almost in tears, to the front desk)

Receptionist: And how may I help you?

Saboo: We're secret agents from the MI5, We've come to check this rehab for prostitutes and boxing kangaroos-

Dennis: Saboo! (looks worried) look at all the people! There's too many people! I can't take this no more! (runs down the corridoor, crying)

Receptionist: Ah, I see you are the crazy people. Please take a seat.

Saboo: I can't sit down you cleft! My backside is made from wood, I can't bend!

(Receptionist glares at Saboo. He hastily sits down)

(Vince and Howard enter, Vince is walking dreamily and Howard's eyes are darting around, he is shaking slightly)

Howard: (approaching receptionist) A-are you the d-doctor? (glances around the room, shaking)

Receptionist: No, the doctor will see you in a minute. Names please?

Howard: W-why do you want to know my name!? are you reporting me to the police? I-I didn't mean to buy that copied DVD, I just-

Receptionist: Sir, please calm down

Howard: Calm down? I'm gonna be in jail for the rest of my life! I can't-

Receptionist: Sir, please take a seat

Howard: Take a seat? How do I know there not gonna sprout chains and lock me up! I bet it's the electric chair (Starts crying, and trembling more) I don't wanna die! I don't wanna die!

Receptionist: Sir, pull yourself together! (To Vince) Now, what's your name?

(Vince is not listening and absent mindedly playing with a pen, like it is an aeroplane)

Vince: Vrrroooooommm eeeeeeeeeeeeeeek, brummmmmm, Eeek eek! Wooooooosh, wooooo wooosh! Yeah wooo! Oh no!! we're falling!! Eeeeeeek! KABOOM! (sticks pen up his nose.) Hmm?

Receptionist: Oi, David Bowie! Name please?

Vince: Me no have name. me lost it in a car accident. KABOOM! (blows pen out of his nose, and begins eating the pot pourri)

Receptionist: I bet you lost something… idiot. I'll just say you're the retarded futuristic prostitute and the paranoid freak…

Howard: W-what? Your arresting us? WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!! (cries)

Vince: she's not arresting us, she's giving us food! Me wike sweeties! (offers Howard the bowl of pot pourri)

Howard: What if they've poisoned them? Spit it out Vince! I told you not to accept sweets from strangers!

Vince: Strange chocolate is the best (wipes mouth)

Howard: Come on, let's go home before we're blown up…

Vince: But I want to see the white shirt man with the cold stick! You promised we'd go see him! YOU PWOMISED!! (sticks bottom lip out)

Howard: Fine, ok, let's sit down. Actually, you sit down, and I'll stand you never know where those chairs have been…

(Vince giggles stupidly and sits down. Naboo, Bollo and Kirk enter)

Bollo: I WANT TO SEE A FUCKING DOCTOR!!

Naboo: (sleepily) Whoa, chill, dude. Here, have a whiff of my bong…

Bollo: GO FUCK YOUR MUM!! I WANNA SEE SOMEONE NOW!! (smashes table)

Saboo: You plum! That was my lab for world domination!

(Bollo throws a chair at Saboo)

Naboo: Whoa, little maaaaaan. Chill ya boots. Think of the fluffy pink rabbits hangin' from the ceiling…

Bollo: I'LL KILL THOSE FUCKING RABBITS! FUCKING BASTARDS! TAKING MY CEILING SPACE!!

Naboo: (to receptionist) Yo, lady, wazzup. Me and ma maaan Bollo have come to see a doctor for a filling

Receptionist: What the FUUUUUCK. Please, take a seat, the doctor will see you soon.

Naboo: Totally rad, maaan! (drifts over and sits down, taking out a spliff)

Bollo: I WANT SERVICE NOW!! I HATE REHABS THEY ALWAYS KEEP YOU FUCKING WAITING!! I HATE YOU ALL!! DIE!!

Saboo: I am dead, can't you see?

(Bollo throws another chair at Saboo)

Receptionist: Why have you brought your little brother? (Talking about Kirk)

Naboo: man, this guys a freak!

Saboo: Kirk, is it true that you are a ram raiding, drug dealing, drink driver who often takes home prostitutes?

Kirk: Yes.

All: Foooooooooooooooooooking hell!

(Tony Harrison enters, staggering about)

Saboo: Are you drunk?

Tony: I've had Champaign on my golden graphemes! I am wasted!

Bollo: YOUR ALWAYS DRUNK!! YOU BASTARD!! (squashes Tony with a fruit bowl)

(While Tony is being pummelled to death, Old Gregg and The hitcher enter)

Old Gregg: I'm old Gregg! (rapes the hitcher)

The hitcher: (waving a knife around) I'm a cockney nut job! I'll slice you up, boy!

Old Gregg: I'm old Gregg! I gotta mangina! (Shows the Hitcher his mangina)

The hitcher: Argghh! Put it away, my boy! (raises his knife and stabs Old Gregg in the knee)

Old Gregg: You make old Gregg horny (rapes the hitcher again)

The hitcher: Eurgh, I don't want you all over my cockney arse!

Old Gregg: I'm old Gregg! (ties the Hitcher to a wall) I know ya like me, stop playing!

The Hitcher: I'm not playing, boy! I'm gonna cut you up and feed you to my grandma!

Vince: Heh, that witch from the wizard of Oz is being raped by the Wizard…

Old Gregg: Do you know who I am? I'm-

Bollo: YES WE HEARD YOU, YOU FREAK OF RAPE NATURE! (Throws Tony at Old Gregg)

Tony: Thissss is an outrage! Hic!

Old Gregg: ooh, pink bladders turn Old Gregg on! (Rapes Tony)

(Eleanor enters, and walks to the receptionist)

Eleanor: Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeelllllllllllllooooooooooooooooooooo. Hello. I have a broken heart. Can your doctor fix it, with his long stethoscope? (flutters eyelashes)

Spider: (running in, chasing Eleanor, and panting) Come to daddy baby! Your one hot piece of transexualness!

Eleanor: (In a deep manly voice) Oh, I'm not your type!

Spider: A sheep can be my type, baby (dry humps Eleanor)

Eleanor: Errrrgk! Get him off meeee!

Spider: Come on, baby! Ooooh, yeah!

(Eleanor get's chased by Spider until he notices Old Gregg. He stops and stares)

Spider: Hey, I shag anything in a skirt. Your in a skirt. Let's fuck!

Old Gregg: I like rape

Spider:…

Old Gregg: Old Gregg says it's not as fun when ya consent to it

Spider: Ok, baby, I see your game. Ooooh. I don't want sex with you then!

(Old Gregg grins and rapes Spider)

Spider: Ooooh, yeah baby c'mon! Feel ma spider web!

Old Gregg: (singing) I'm old Gregg!

Spider: (Also singing) Your in ma spider web!

Old Gregg: (still singing) So open ya legs

Spider: and I'll get you wet!

Old Gregg & Spider: The internet is for PORN

Bollo: SHUT THE FUCK UUUUP! BOLLO HATES SINGING!! (grabs them both and throws them at Saboo)

Saboo: You complete Jerk off! I was busy meditating! (He was eating a sandwich)

(a massive fight breaks out)

Howard: WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!!111

Dennis: TOO MANY PEOPLE!! (cries and runs away)

Old Gregg: I'm- (for your sanity and mine, Bollo bashes Old Gregg)

Bollo: BOLLO BASH RAPIST! DIE!!

Vince: (dancing with Naboo) Heh heh, me like your turban. Are you a clown?

Bollo: DIE DIE FUCKING DIE!!

(Dr. Bainbridge enters. He is covered in thick gold chains and a Rastafarian hat.)

Dr B: Wai aii man. What's going on here?

Saboo: We're having a quiet drink

Dr. B: No wai man. You is fighting, man. Come, sit down…

(Calmly, they all sit down. Dr. B stands before them in all his Jamaican wanna-be-ness)

Dr. B: Ya see man. This is da reason why people tune in, man! Your antics, like.

(Vince's phone rings. He answers it loudly.)

Vince: Haiiiiiiiiiiiiiii! Am in rehab! (giggles) there's some nice windows here. What is your bidding? Tell her I'll pay her later! (laughs stupidly and hangs up)

Howard: Was that the FBI? Are they coming for me!? OH DEAR GOD NO!!

Bollo: DIE FREAK DIE!!

Howard: Bollo's been taken over by angry aliens! ARGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHH!! (Jumps out the window)

Naboo: Thank god he's gone, maaan. (smokes a spliff)

Dr. B: SHUT UP! Do you want help or not!?

Bollo: NO! DIE!!

Spider: If we had help, we wouldn't be so freakily funny!

Hitcher: I'm slice you all up with my cockney knife!

Eleanor: Drop the knife, big boy.

Tony: I am WASTED! WOO LET'S PARTY!

(Dennis is cowering in a corner)

Dennis: No, not a party! Not more people! (cries)

Old Gregg: (regaining consciousness) I'm Old-

All: YES WE KNOW!

Dr. B: Oh maaaaaan. You people are beyond help! I'm chippin'! (disappears into a puff of smoke)

All: FUUUUUUUUUUCKK. Let's do the timewarp again! (They all start dancing. Until Bollo knocks them all out)

Bollo: BOLLO HATES DANCING!! DIE!! (Beats his chest and sprouts wings, flying off)

Camera man: Shiiiiiit, I missed all that! Can you do it again guys? (notices them all knocked out on the floor)

…Guys?

END

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Ahhhhh. I hoped you liked it. No flaming please! And I'm really sorry if I offended anyone, don't take it personally (: R&R plz


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